We 8 Cardiff

Wednesday, 23 May 2001, 0:00
7 mins read
  • A burglary was recently committed at Ninian park and the entire contents of the trophy room were stolen. The police are looking for a man with a yellow & blue carpet.
  • The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them.In the distance a voice shouts out “Cardiff are good enough to win the League.” Snow White says “Well at least Dopey’s alive!”
  • The Fire brigade phones Alan Cork in the early hours of Sunday morning… “Mr Cork sir, Ninian Park is on fire!””The cups man! Save the cups!” cries The Bald Headed One.”Uh, the fire hasn’t spread to the canteen yet, sir.”
  • Apparently, Sam Hammam offered to send the Cardiff squad on an expenses paid holiday to Florida but they said they’d rather go to Blackpool so they could see what it’s like to ride on an open-top bus.
  • Alan Cork was caught speeding on his way to the Ninian park today. “I’ll do anything for 3 points”, he said when questioned.
  • A man desperate at Cardiff’s current situation decides to top himself. In his living room, alone, he prepares to hang himself. At the very last moment, he decides upon wearing his full Cardiff kit as his last statement. A neighbour, catching sight of the impending incident, informs the police. On arrival, the police quickly remove the Cardiff kit and dress the man in stockings and suspenders. The man, totally confused asks why. The policeman simply replies, “it’s to avoid embarrassing your family.”
  • Rumour has it that Cardiff have got a new sponsor: Tampax. The board thought it was an appropriate change as the club is going through a very bad period.
  • A Cardiff fan walks past a shop and sees the video “Cardiff – The Glory Years”. He goes into the shop and asks how much.”£100″ says the shopkeeper.”That’s a bit steep, how come it’s so dear ??” “Well its a tenner for the film and £90 for the Projector!!
  • Q: What is the difference between a Shakey/Bassey and a trampoline?A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
  • Q: What is the difference between a battery and an Bassey?A: A battery has a positive side.
  • Q: How do you save a Shakey from drowning?A: Take your foot of his head.
  • Q: If you see a Shakey on a bike, why should you never swerve to hit him?A: It might be your bike.
  • There was this group of people on a tour-bus. The guide on the bus asks if anyone on the bus could tell the rest a joke, whereupon a man got up and said that he could tell a Bassey joke. Suddenly a bloke in the back of the bus said, “No, don’t do that. I’m a Cardiff Supporter” The guide looked at him and said, “That’s okay. We’ll explain it to you afterwards.”
  • What’s the difference between Sam Hammam and God? God doesn’t think he’s Sam Hammam.
  • What do you say to a Bassey with a job? Big Mac please.
  • Why does the River Taff run through Cardiff? Because if it walked it would be mugged.
  • What do you call a Shakey in a suit? The accused.
  • What do you call a Bluebird woman in a white shell-suit? The bride.
  • What is the difference between Sam Hammam and an Airfix model kit without a tube of glue? One is a Gluless Kit…..
  • What’s the difference between Cardiff and a bucket of horse shit? A. Horse shit works wonders on grass!
  • Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask Robert Earnshaw’s Mum
  • An Irish guy on holidays in Cardiff (why???) gets chatting to some locals in the pub. He introduces himself as Paddy the bus driver from Dublin. The barman, trying to be friendly introduces Dai the postman, Rees the butcher and Sam the baker as well as himself. “Who’s that over there in the corner?” asks the Irishman pointing out a lonely figure. “You’d best ask’im y’self,” is the advice from the barman. The stranger says his name is Humphrey. “And what do you do?” asks the Irishman. “Y’see all those houses in that there street?” asks Humphrey. “I painted all them I did. But d’ye think they call me Humphrey the House painter? Nay. And d’ye see all those cars out there in t’street? I maintain all them I do. D’ye think they call me Humphrey the mechanic? Nay. However, I shag one lousy sheep….”
  • A Swans fan, a ‘Rectum fan and a Cardiff fan are walking through the countryside when they see a sheep stuck in a gate. Swans fan: God, I wish it was Camaron Diaz. ‘Rectum fan: No, I wish it was Graham Norton. Bassey fan: I wish it was fcuking dark!
  • Robert Earnshaw is celebrating; “57 days, 57 days!” he shouts happilly. His wife asks him why he’s celebrating . He answers “Well, I’ve done this jigsaw in only 57 days.” “Is that good?” asks his wife. “You bet” says Robert.”It says 3 to 5 years on he box.”
  • Q: What do you get if you see a Cardiff City fan buried up to his neck in sand? A: More sand
  • A Cardiff City scout returns from Bosnia raving about a new teenage superstar he’s seen in the war torn country. Alan Cork is convinced and is so desperate for no one else to snatch him up that he signs the boy without looking at him for himself. The boy arrives in Cardiff for Saturday’s game, and is on the bench. With ten minutes to go Robert Earnshaw gets injured and is stretchered off. Cork points to the new Bosnian boy: “This is your big chance, son. Go out there and do the business for us”. The lad strips off his shell suit and takes to the pitch. In those dying minutes he’s a revelation, scoring a hat trick. The crowd goes mad. After the game Cork gives the new boy a big hug in the changing room.”Great performance son. Go and give your parents a ring at home. They’ll be so proud of you. You can use the phone in my office”. The lad goes into the boss’s office and rings his mum. “Mum, I’ve just had the best debut; I scored a hat-trick!…you don’t sound very happy though; why are you crying? Is everything okay?” “No, son, today has been the worst yet. Your dad has been shot, they’ve raped your sister, and the house has been burnt to the ground.” “God, mum, that’s terrible; I’m really sorry” “So you should be. It was your idea for all of us to move to Cardiff!”
  • A Swans fan is walking along Caswell beach, when he sees an old bottle. He picks it up, and takes out the cork. Out pops a genie who says “I am the football genie. I grant 3 wishes, and everything you wish for wish for, you shall get, but every Cardiff fan will get twice what you wish for.” “Fair enough”, says the man. ” I wish for 1 million quid”. “You understand that every one of the scum will receive £2 million?” “Yep, I can live with that” And, lo and behold, there appears a case of £50 notes. “Now I wish for the Swans to win the Champions League for 10 years running” “You understand that this means Cardiff City will win the Cup 20 years running?” “Yep, I can live with that” And, lo and behold, there appears a sports almanack from the year 2050 showing the Welsh dominance of the Champions League “Final wish” After some thought the Swans fan replies: “I’d like to donate one kidney for transplant……”
  • I have heard that Ninian Park has arguably the best pitch in the Nationwide League, it’s not surprising due to all the shit that has been on there.
  • Three old football fans are in a church, praying for their teams. The first one asks, “Oh Lord, when will Wales win the World Cup?”. God Replies, “In the next five years” “But I’ll be dead by then”, says the man. The second one asks, “Oh Lord, when will the Swans next get into the Premiership?”. The Good Lord answers, “In the next ten years”. “But I’ll be dead by then”, says the man. The third one asks, “Oh Lord, when will Cardiff get into the Premier League?”. God Answers, “I’ll be dead by then!”
  • Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? They had pictures of Cardiff Players on them … and people couldn’t figure out which side to spit on.
  • Q: What’s the difference between a Cardiff fan and a coconut? A: One’s thick and hairy, and the other’s a tropical fruit.
  • Q: Why should Cardiff fans be buried 100 feet deep? A: Because deep down, they’re really good people.
  • Q: What do you call a fly inside a Cardiff fans head? A: A Space Invader
  • Q: What do you call a Cardiff fan with two brain cells? A: Pregnant
  • Q: What’s the difference between O J Simpson and Cardiff? A: OJ Simpson had some sort of a defence!
  • You know you’re a Cardiff fan if: A three course meal is a Twix Bar and a can of lager You think that Dom Perignon plays in your reserves The value of your car goes up and down depending on how much petrol is in the tank Your family tree goes in a straight line Your Dad walks you to school, then starts hanging around Your parents met through an advert on a postcard in the side window of a newsagents You think a Volvo is part of a womans anatomy You can tell your age by the amount of rings around the bath tub You go to a family reunion to look for a date Your number plate is personalised because your Dad made it in prison Your brother in law is also your uncle, your cousin and your step brother The samaritans put the phone down on you
  • British Rail have decided to start sponsoring Cardiff. BR think they are a suitable team because of their regular points failures.
  • A new blue and white Oxo cube is about to be introduced. It’ll be called “laughing stock”.
  • There was this 22-year old secretary girl from Port Talbot was on holiday in Miami. However, as she walked along the beach eyeing the big-bosomed girls walking arm-in-arm with their boyfriends, she became distraught, for she had a rather insignificant pair of jugs. Suddenly, she spied a murky old bottle that had washed up on the beach, and for want of alternative amusement, picked it up. Poof! Out emerged a genie, complete with flowing oriental robes who immediately offered to grant her any two wishes that she desired. “Then, give me two of the biggest tits in the whole, wide world”, she moaned. Poof!! Poof!! Immediately there emerged before her eyes, Alan Cork & Sam Hammam!
  • For years, a young Cardiff Fan had been taking holidays at a Gower country inn. The last time he’d finally managed an affair with the innkeeper’s daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! “Helen, why didn’t you phone when you learned you were pregnant?” he cried. “I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!” “Well,” she said, “when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talking and talking, and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a Cardiff Fan.”

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Images courtesy of Getty Images, Athena Picture Agency and Swansea City Football Club.

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