Sunday, 21 December 2025, 14:38

Vetch Goings On

ByPlanet Swans Archives

May 3, 2004

More Goings On At The Vetch

Tension had been mounting all day in training between former Aston Villa trainee Leon Hylton and giraffe-necked Alan Tate after Tate had been taunting Hylton with jibes such as: “Oh Leon!, are you an under-20 international because you never spend more than 20 minutes on the pitch every season?!” and “Hylts, you know the last time you played, I really think that the fans were chanting for you and not Britts when the sang ‘Leon, Leon’…..WERE THEY FUKC!!, HA HA!”. But what really tipped Hylton over the edge, was when he overheard Tate agreeing with the spiritual position of Russian literary icon Ivan Karamozov: Tate “Yes Curt, I do believe that were it to be proved beyond all doubt that there is a God, and that everything bad that has happened thrpoughout all eternity will be reconciled at death, that all the slain children will be reunited with their families in heaven, and that this is proved beyond all doubt, I still say that I would reject this God. Even if all the Bible was proven true I would still reject God because of the all the suffering that has happened in the past. If Jesus himself was to return, I would reject him…..pass the Deep Heat mate, cheers”. Hylton intervened “What egotistical nonsense squire!, how dare you purport to know the mind and workings of God – Oh Curt, your flying low mate” Curtis “fugg it, so I am” Hylton “your penchant for nihilism has been evident for a while in training Alan, but I urge you not to underestimate the power of the Lord’s love to overcome all sin, you ginger smeg-head”. Hylton proceded to climb up on to Nugent’s shoulders and announce to all: “Gentlemen, look around you at the gifts of God, the clear sky, the pure air, the birds – stop sniggering Bradley, not those birds, real ones with feathers – nature is beautiful and sinless, only we are sinful, we don’t understand that life is heaven, for we only once have to understand that and it will at once be fulfilled in all its beauty, and you shall have peace with your soul” Hylton climbed down and they resumed training with a spring in their step and a song on their hearts….

Why not check out the latest Vetch Verdict on the BBC site?

This article first appeared on JACKARMY.net.

By Planet Swans Archives

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