Things To Do Saturdays

So What Do You Do On Saturday’s Now?

THE JACKARMY.NET 10 ALTERNATIVE THINGS TO DO ON A SATURDAY AFTERNOON WHEN THE FOOTBALL SEASON HAS FINISHED

1. It’s the obvious. The wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend wants to go shopping and you don’t have an excuse not to do so anymore. The answer is simple, take her. The JackArmy.net tip on this is simple. Arrive at shopping centre, feign illness and you get to sit outside the lingerie shop all afternoon offering advice to any ladies looking to buy!

2. You could take up a new hobby to keep you occupied during the summer months. For the male football supporter the obvious has to be conducting surveys into suntan lotions amongst the female beach worshippers. Free samples and offers to rub them in should keep you amused for a few weeks at least. For the female football fan, how about doing all the washing and ironing that you neglected over the past nine months

3. Buy the latest board game entitled ‘debt’ The basis of the game is simple you are the owner of a football team that is £21 million in debt. The object of the game is to see how many of the club’s supporters to can con into believing that there is no problem at all.

4. Dependent on how much your other half knows about football you could always pretend that the season is still on and basically do whatever you want for a few hours. At least it gets you out of cutting the grass.

5. You have 12 weeks to get yourself prepared for the new football season. Sit/Stand in your living room at around ten to three and watch whatever is on the television. Make up chants to go with what you are watching and abuse everyone on the screen. For example if you are watching the Coronation Street omnibus you could shout "Call that a pint of beer you fat lazy tosser" or "Vera Duckworth’s Barmy Army" throughout. Make sure you take a break at 3.45 until 4.00, consuming three pints of lager and a pie/pasty that you bought early last week to get the real matchday effect. You can call all of this pre-season training

6. Go to sleep and wake up the first weekend in August (not recommended for anyone who has not taken the time off work)

7. Go on holiday. A simple way to kill two weeks and a reminder that no self respecting football fan goes on holiday between August and the end of May (you have to allow for the play offs don’t you) The advantage of this is that you can wear your football top abroad to look typically British and this is a sure fire way of being able to spend the two weeks talking at the bar with other football fans who are in the same predicament as you are

8. Clever football fans have taped every ‘Gillette Soccer Saturday’ since the season started. On the first free Saturday visit a hypnotist and ask them to clear your memory of the last nine months. At 3pm precisely sit down and watch the ‘live’ action safe in the knowledge that you have no idea what the scores are. Please remember not to ring any mates not taking this course of action to tell them the scores as they are likely to get you sectioned.

9. Go to the pub all afternoon. How many times have you said to your mates that a good afternoon’s drinking has been spoiled by a poor performance from your team? Well, now you have 13 weeks of that not being spoiled so you can stop moaning for a change.

10. Invite 21 of your mates and recreate the season just passed in your local park. Remember to always include a couple that you don’t really like who can be used to recreate those really nasty injuries (a la David Busst a few years back) Bagsy playing Roy Keane

That should give you enough to keep you going all summer. JackArmy.net would like it to be known that it accepts no responsibility for any divorce petitions that arise from carrying out the points above. Don’t forget to cross of the days on your calendar until next season and at least that will kill a few seconds every day!

Why not check out the latest Vetch Verdict on the BBC site?