Eminem Is A Swansea Fan

Dear John, I wrote but you still ain’t callin I left my cell, my pager, and my home phone at the bottom I sent two letters back in autumn, you must not-a got ’em There probably was a problem at the post office or Mike Lewis or something Sometimes I scribble addresses too sloppy when I jot ’em but anyways; f k it, what’s been up? Man how’s your football team? My team’s crap too, I’m bout to be a manager If I get the job, guess what I’m gonna call the team? I’m gonna call it Swansea I read about your Uncle Mclure too I’m sorry I had an owner who didn’t care about my club too I know you probably hear this everyday, but I’m your biggest fan I even got the underground s t that you did with QPR I got a room full of your posters and your pictures man I like the s t you did with Chelsea too, that s t was fat Anyways, I hope you get this man, hit me back, just to chat, truly yours, your biggest fan This is Stan

[Eminem as ‘Stan’] Dear John, you still ain’t called or wrote, I hope you have a chance I ain’t mad – I just think it’s F D UP you don’t answer fans If you didn’t wanna talk to me outside the Vetch you didn’t have to, but you coulda signed an autograph for Matthew That’s my little brother man, he’s only six years old We waited in the blistering cold for you, four hours and you just said, "No." That’s pretty sh ty man – you’re like his f n idol He wants to be just like you man,he knows nothing about football either I ain’t that mad though, I just don’t like bein lied to Remember when we met in Swindon – you said we’d win all our games and stay up – see I’m just like you in a way I don’t know how to manage neither; I used to pretend I knew what I was doing to I can relate to what you’re saying in your post match interviews so when I have a sh ty day, I drift away and put ’em on cause I don’t really got s t else so that s t helps when I’m depressed I even got a tattoo of your name across the chest Sometimes I even enjoy Swansea matches It’s like adrenaline, the pain is such a sudden rush for me See everything you say is real, and I respect you cause you tell it My girlfriend’s jealous cause I talk about you 24/7 But she don’t know you like I know you John, no one does She don’t know what it’s like for people like us managing clubs You gotta call me man, I’ll be the biggest fan you’ll ever lose Sincerely yours, Stan — P.S. Jonathan Coates is a great player

[Eminem as ‘Stan’] Dear Mister-I’m-Too-Good-To-Call-Or-Write-My-Fans, this’ll be the last package I ever send your ass It’s been six months and still no word – I don’t deserve it? I know you got my last two letters; I wrote the addresses on ’em perfect So this is my cassette I’m sending you, I hope you hear it I’m in the car right now, I’m doing 90 on the M4 Hey John, I bought a Cardiff shirt, you dare me to wear it? You know that stuff by Sam Hammam about we should all support Cardiff and that we should all unite under the Welsh flag That’s kinda how this is, you coulda rescued me from Cardiff Now it’s too late – I’m on a 1000 downers now, I’m drowsy and all I wanted was a lousy 3 points or a draw I hope you know I ripped ALL of your pictures off the wall I love you John, we coulda been promoted, think about it You ruined it now, I hope you can’t sleep and you dream about it And when you dream I hope you can’t sleep and you SCREAM about it I hope your conscience EATS AT YOU and you can’t BREATHE without me See John; { screaming } Shut up Chris! I’m tryin to talk! Hey John, that’s my mate Chris screamin in the trunk but I didn’t tell him we were going to Cardiff, I just tied him up, see I ain’t like you cause if he suffocates he’ll suffer more, and then he’ll die too Well, gotta go, I’m almost at Ninian park now Oh s t, I forgot, how’m I supposed to send this shit out? { car tires squeal } { CRASH } .. { brief silence } .. { bluuuuuuubirds }

[Eminem] Dear Stan, I meant to write you sooner but I just been painting my office You said your gonna be a manager,any advice you can give me? Look, I’m really flattered you would call your football club that and here’s an autograph for your brother, I wrote it on a Swansea cap I’m sorry I didn’t see you at the match, I musta missed you Don’t think I did that s t intentionally just to diss you But what’s this s t you said about you like Swansea matches too? I say that s t just clownin dogg, c’mon – how f d up is you? You got some issues Stan, I think you need some counselling to help your ass from bouncing off the walls when you go down the Vetch And what’s this s t about Jonathan Coates being a great player That type of s t’ll make me not want us to meet each other I really think you and your football club need each other or maybe you just need to treat it better I hope you get to read this letter, I just hope it reaches you in time before you hurt yourself, I think that you’ll be doin just fine if you relax a little, I’m glad I inspire you but Stan why are you so mad? Try to understand, that I do want you as a fan I just don’t want you to do some crazy s t I seen this one s t on the news a couple weeks ago that made me sick Some dude was drunk and drove his car to Ninian park and had his mate in the trunk, and he was tied up with a Cardiff shirt on and in the car they found a tape, but they didn’t say who it was to Come to think about, his name was.. it was you Damn!