The JackArmy Diet

Friday, 28 March 2003, 0:00
2 mins read

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The problem I have is that diets are difficult for me, because I am such a fussy eater. I can’t stand pasta, I won’t eat vegetables unless I am forced, and simply not eating is most certainly not an option.

However, help is at hand in the form of a brand new slimming aid I have discovered…the Jack Army Diet. This revolutionary slimming programme allows you to eat what you want when you want it. Significant weight loss is achieved simply by following the fortunes of Swansea City Football Club!

The pounds have just fallen off during the last three games. Whilst standing in one spot on the North Bank during the Carlisle match, I must have covered the same distance as the London Marathon, just by hopping from one foot to the other. Nervous energy is expended at a rate of knots, and the sweat…

…the weight loss is great but the laundry bill isn’t!

However, for best results the Jack Army Diet will really kick into overdrive if you listen to a Swans match on the radio instead. I rarely get to travel to away matches these days and so two successive games, against Southend and Kidderminster, have led to the pounds falling off as I patrol the living room, Swansea Sound blasting in the background.

Listening to those two games was nothing less than torture. The Southend match in particular took me to the very edge of a nervous breakdown; a two goal lead established, only to be threatened by the dubious dismissal of Kevin Nugent.

With the visit of Oxford tomorrow night in mind, I have already prepared my evening meal menu…Mars bar; Twix; Hula Hoops (salt and vinegar, of course); Kit Kat (I am NOT a salmon). With my body’s sugar reserves topped up to the limit, I’ll feel confident of meeting the physical challenge that another 90 minutes of torture will pose. And, after the Swans are declared victorious, I shall embark on a victory dance worthy of John Travolta in his prime…and then slump unconscious, pleased with my evening’s workout.

With seven games left the prospect of radical weight loss looms large. By the time Hull arrive at the Vetch on the closing day of the season, I’ll probably be the male equivalent of Kate Moss. However, I have already accepted the fact that my newly streamlined figure will not last long, immediately ruined as I celebrate the Swans’ Great Escape.

Given the choice of slim or Swans staying up, I’ll choose obesity every time.

SWANSEA ‘TIL I DIE

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