VAR in the Championship? No Thanks, We’re Full

As the Premier League kicked off this weekend with its usual blend of drama, goals, and existential dread over elbow positioning, one thing becomes clear: the EFL Championship must never, ever invite VAR to the party.

Because if the top flight’s opening weekend taught us anything, it’s that VAR is still the guest who arrives late, kills the vibe, and insists on showing everyone slow-motion replays of their mistakes.

🧠 Premier League VAR: Chaos and Clarity

Let’s start with the madness. In Liverpool’s opener, Marcos Senesi appeared to deliberately handle the ball to stop Hugo Ekitike going through on goal. Red card? Nope. VAR said “play on.” Reds fans said “are you joking?”

Then came Crystal Palace’s disallowed goal against Chelsea. Eberechi Eze curled in a beauty, only for it to be ruled out because Marc Guehi was standing 11 centimetres too close to the wall. VAR now enforces personal space.

But to be fair, not every decision was dreadful. Arsenal’s winner against Manchester United was correctly upheld after a check for a foul on the keeper. Newcastle had a goal ruled out for handball that was spot on. So yes, sometimes VAR works. But it’s like a broken printer—fine when it works, but mostly just jammed and shouting at you.

🗣️ What Fans Are Saying (via X)

We asked fans across X what they thought of VAR. The responses were… colourful.

• “VAR is like a clingy ex. Always checking, never trusting, ruins every good moment.”
• “I miss the days when refs made mistakes and we just booed them. Now we boo a laptop.”
• “If VAR was a player, it’d be a centre-back who always passes sideways and blames others.”

And the most poetic:

“Football used to be about moments. Now it’s about milliseconds.”

🧃 Why the Championship Should Stay VAR-Free

Championship football is chaos. Glorious, unpredictable, slightly unhinged chaos. We don’t need a five-minute delay to check if Liam Cullen’s left shin was offside by a blade of grass.

We want goals celebrated in real time. We want referees making bold calls and fans reacting instantly. We want the drama, not the spreadsheet.

Besides, can you imagine VAR at Crawley away? A bloke in a Portakabin watching replays on a Nokia. No thanks.

🛠️ Solutions Fans Actually Suggested (and We Love Them)

• Fan Voting App: Let supporters vote on VAR decisions. Like Eurovision, but angrier.
• Nan Panel: Replace VAR with a panel of ex-players and one nan who watches every match on mute.
• Scrap It Entirely: Bring back the ref with a whistle and a pint in his hand.

🧠 5 Reasons the EFL Championship Should Never Have VAR

1. We Like Our Goals Served Hot
   Waiting five minutes to celebrate a goal is like microwaving a steak. It’s wrong. Let us cheer in peace.
2. Our Refs Already Have Enough to Do
   Between dodgy pitches, phantom throw-ins, and players who dive like synchronised swimmers, our officials don’t need a robot whispering in their ear.
3. VAR Would Break at Rotherham
   Let’s be honest—half the stadiums don’t have working Wi-Fi. VAR would buffer mid-check and accidentally award a penalty to Snoop Dogg.
4. We Don’t Want to Boo Technology
   Booing a ref is cathartic. Booing a screen is just sad. We’re not ready to become that kind of fanbase.
5. Snoop Dogg Wouldn’t Approve
   The man once said, “If the vibe ain’t right, I’m out.” VAR is the opposite of vibe. It’s the football equivalent of a tax audit.

So let the Premier League have its robots and rulers. We’ll stick with the beautiful chaos of real football. And if the EFL ever tries to sneak VAR in, we’ll be ready—with pitchforks, protest songs, and a nan who knows ball.