Christmas Jokes

[Darran]

How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?

Deep pan, crisp and even!

 

[Darran]

A penguin is driving along, eating an ice cream, when his car starts making a funny noise. He decides to stop off at the local garage.

The polar bear mechanic lifts the bonnet, pokes around, then shakes his head, looks up at the penguin and says, 'Looks like you've blown a seal, mate!'

'Nah.' says the penguin. 'I've been eating ice cream.'

 

[Lifelong]

Giant turkey is pulling an open passenger carriage along the M4 doing about 60mph. Unable to take a bend it crashes into a bridge pillar and the turkey runs off.
Police arrive at the scene and ask one of the passengers what happened to which he replied “ Big hen’s gone.”

 

[sainthelens]

I remember lying in bed xmas eve waiting for Santa to come.
I also remember the awkward silence when he got dressed and left.

 

[TheLoneRanger]

With Christmas nearly upon us, I would like to share a personal experience with my family & friends about drinking and driving.

As you may know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time, especially on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.

Well, three days ago I was out for a Christmas party with friends and had several pints, followed by some rather nice brandy.

Feeling happy, I still had the sense to know that I may be over the limit.

That's when I did something that I've never done before.

I took a taxi home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a taxi they waved it past.

I arrived home safely and without incident.

This was a great relief and total surprise, because I had never driven a taxi before.

I don't even know where I got it from, and now that it's in my garage - I don't know what the fvck to do with it..!!

 

[CygnusX1]

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
Nothing, it was on the house

 

[J_B]

Why is Santa always happy?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.