Joke Thread

[Muteswan]

With so many sporting events being cancelled, they’re going to televise the World Origami Championships.
It’s on Paperview.


Update: Apparently they are now not. The company sponsoring the event has folded.

 

[Muteswan]

Medical experts were asked if it was time to ease lockdown.
Allergists were in favour of scratching it, but Dermatologists were advised not to make any rash moves.
Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but Neurologists thought the government had a lot of nerve.
Obstetricians felt certain everyone was labouring under a misconception, while Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
Many Pathologists yelled" Over my dead body"
While Paediatricians said " Oh, grow up"
Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness while Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
Pharmacists claimed it would be a bitter pill to swallow.
Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would put a whole new face on the matter.
Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but Urologists were pissed off with the whole idea.
Anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arse holes.

 

[John102]

I rang my mate Stan and his wife answered:
"I wanted to wish you and Stan a good holiday," I said. "Your flying from Gatwick tomorrow, aren't you?"
She said, "Stansted."
"Blimey," I said, "he seemed absolutely fine in the pub last night."
RIP Stan.

 

[Muteswan]

A few years ago I invented beach footwear for people with one leg.

It was a flop.

Grabs coat and runs.

 

[The.Taz]

Thanks to our mutual dislike of newspaper puzzles, my wife and I have enjoyed a long and happy marriage.

Thirty years and not a crossword.

 

[nogginthenog]

Chap went into the Butchers he said "Have you got a Sheep's head?", the butcher says "no its the way I part my hair"

 

[Muteswan]

It’s my wife’s birthday soon and she’s been leaving jewellery catalogues all over the house.
So, I’ve taken the hint...

I’ve bought her a magazine rack.

 

[Blobby]

Scum 2 Blackburn 3
Best laugh I've had since lockdown!
Always liked DG10 .

 

[Muteswan]

Light travels faster than sound.
That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

 

[Muteswan]

I bought a green chameleon as a pet last year.

He was off colour for a few weeks but a lot has changed about him since then.

 

[old cob]

Teacher in a class of ten years olds asks the class "What does your family need" "Our family could do with a fitted kitchen Miss" said little Jimmy, "Our family needs a new car Miss" said little Johnny. "Our family doesn't want anything Miss" pipes up little Tommy. "Oh, come now" said the teacher "every family needs something" "Not so" Tommy said, 'last night my sister came home with a Cardiff City supporter, and I heard my Dad say "that's all we effing need"

 

[The.Taz]

I woke up with headache this morning.

It's my own fault for f*cking marrying her

 

[TheLoneRanger]

A year ago I said to my wife, "Every time we make love, we put a pound coin in a money box, and see how much we can save up"

I opened the box today and said to my wife, "Where have all these notes come from" ??

She replied, "Not everyone's a tight b@stard like you" ..!!

 

[Muteswan]

What do you call the fear of giants?

Pheephiphobia.

 

[J_B]

The young couple next door made a sex tape last night.

They're not aware of it mind.