Joke Thread

[John102]

My mate collapsed on the London Eye, but staff say he will come round soon.

 

[old cob]

A young, new, straight from school young lady started at the local surgery as a trainee receptionist. Her morning was going well until Mr.Jones, a plain speaking man came to her desk. "Could I see the doctor please" asked Mr.Jones. " Certainly" said the young receptionist, "what's it about?" "It's my cock innit" said Mr.Jones. The young lady ran over to the senior receptionist embarrassed and crying. The receptionist came over to Mr.Jones, berating him for being so tactless, "You could have said it was your knee or your wrist anything" the senior receptionist said. Next time use discretion" A month or so later Mr.Jones was at the surgery again, and by coincidence saw the same young trainee, again she asked what did he want to see the doctor for. "It's my elbow innit" said Mr.Jones, "Oh" said the young receptionist "and whats wrong with your elbow?" "Can't piss through it" said Mr.Jones.

 

[Darran]

https://twitter.com/dazpross/status/1315979361326112768?s=21

 

[Muteswan]

https://twitter.com/dazpross/status/1315979361326112768?s=21

 

[Longlostjack]

What was the punchline?

 

[Muteswan]

What was the punchline?

Tonight I’m gonna be Simon and half uncle.

 

[Muteswan]

Twelve years ago today, my best mate came running out of the door with tears streaming down his face, shouting “It’s a boy, it’s a boy”.

We’ve never been back to Thailand since!

 

[Longlostjack]

What was the punchline?

Tonight I’m gonna be Simon and half uncle.

Thanks Mute. Keep up the good work !

 

[TheLoneRanger]

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, ”My family went to my grandad's farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating”

The teacher said, ”That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not fascinating'”

Sally raised her hand. She said, ”My family went to see the circus and I was 'fascinated'”

The teacher said, ”Well that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate'”

Little Johnny raised his hand.

The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" ... so she called on him.

Johnny said, ”My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight”

The teacher sat down and cried.

 

[TheLoneRanger]

 

[airedale]

The visiting church school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class who broke down the walls of Jericho. Little Johnny replies that he does not know, but it definitely is not him. The supervisor, taken aback by this lack of basic Bible knowledge goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident. The principal replies that he knows little Johnny as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them, if little Johnny said that he did not do it, he as principal is satisfied that it is the truth. Even more appalled the inspector goes to the regional Head of Education and relates the whole story. After listening he replies: "I cannot see why you are making such a big issue out of this; we will get three quotations and fix the damned wall."

 

[Muteswan]

All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
Trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
And insulted him,
So in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache,
The stomach was bloated,
The legs got wobbly,
The eyes got watery,
And the blood was toxic..
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss
.
The Moral of the story?
Even though the others do all the work...
An Arse Hole is usually in charge

 

[J_B]

A man has been shot 200 times with an upholstery gun.

Doctors say that he's now fully recovered.

 

[Muteswan]

A good looking guy pulls up at the traffic lights next to a stunning looking girl.
He smiles at her and winds his window down. She smiles back and winds her window down.
The guy says “Have you farted as well?”

 

[Muteswan]

A tub of margarine fell on my head three weeks ago and it still hurts.

I can’t believe it’s not better.