Joke Thread

[Darran]

My wife is in A&E after being stung on the forehead by a wasp.

Her face is all swollen and bruised but thankfully I got the little bastard with my shovel.

 

[old cob]

Teenage girl had a wheezy chest, her mother took her down the surgery for the doc to give her an examination. The doctor placed his stethescope on her chest and said "Big breaths" to which the young lady replied "Yeth, and I'm only sixtheen".

 

[Muteswan]

My mate said that he didn’t understand what cloning was.
I replied,” That makes two of us.“

 

[Muteswan]

My mate had builders in doing an extension and his five year old daughter decided to help. The builders gave her little jobs to do to make her feel part of the team.
At the end of the week she was presented with her 'wage packet', which consisted of £2 in small change. Her father took her to the bank to open an account with the money and she duly handed it over to the cashier.
The cashier asked how she had earned the money and she said she was helping Steve, Big Harry and Wayne build an extension.
"Wonderful." said the cashier, " and will you be helping them next week too."
She said, " I will if those plonkers* from Jewsons deliver the bleeding* bricks on time."

This works a lot better with different words where the * is after the two words, but as we’re all not using bad language on here anymore I’ve changed them for milder words.

 

[Muteswan]

I hate spelling errors.
You mix up two letters and your entire post is urined.

 

[sainthelens]

My mate once asked " have you ever seen a lie detector "
Me..." seen one? I fckn married one !"

 

[Muteswan]

Why don’t Cannibals eat clowns?

Because they taste funny.

 

[Muteswan]

The doctor said to me this morning, “I’d like to talk to you about your weight”.
I said, “Well, it was about 25 minutes, but at least the chairs were comfortable!”

 

[Muteswan]

Never pour cereal down the toilet.
It’ll Kellogg it up.

 

[Muteswan]

NAOMI: Did you know that if you spell my name backwards it is “I MOAN?” That’s so funny because I love moaning.

LANA: I’m saying nothing!

 

[Muteswan]

What do you call the boss at Old Mac Donald’s Farm?

The CIEIO.

 

[Muteswan]

SEX AFTER DEATH
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:
" Marion .... Marion "
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"
"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"

"No -- I'm a rabbit in Kent'.

 

[Muteswan]

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.

 

[Muteswan]

“Mammy, what were you doing bouncing on Daddy’s belly last night?”
“I have to do that or Daddy’s belly gets very fat, bouncing keeps him skinny.”
“That’s not going to work.”
“Why not?”
“Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up again.”

 

[TheLoneRanger]

Why did the Vegan cross the road ??

To tell somebody else that she's a Vegan!