Joke Thread

[Muteswan]

Question.
Due to COVID, I’ve heard that if you have visitors/relatives drop in unexpectedly over Christmas, the police have the powers to come and remove them and force them to go home.
Is there a website where you can register/apply for this service, and is it free or do you have to pay?

 

[Muteswan]

A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. “I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?”

She said, “Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.”

“If you don’t mind my asking,” he said, “what do you use it for?”
“We use it when we make love,” she said.

The researcher was a little taken aback. “Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it?”

The woman said, “I don’t mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out.”

What were you thinking ……..

 

[Muteswan]

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward then backwards again, back and forth... in and out...in and out.

It was going on 20 minutes at this point... her heart was pounding... her face was flushed... then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:


“OK, OK!”

“I can’t park the damn car! You do it , you smug bastard!!”

 

[Muteswan]

A man was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news.
The good news is that you are going to be OK.
The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your old boy which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."
"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied.
"Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
" Not exactly answered the doctor.........
"She's a flute player in the London Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eyes!!.

 

[Muteswan]

Donald Trump goes on a fact finding visit to Israel. While there he suffers a heart attack and dies. The undertaker tells the American diplomats accompanying him that they can have the body shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here for $100. The diplomats think about it for a few minutes and say that they want him shipped home.
The undertaker asks why, it’s far cheaper to bury him here, it’s absolutely beautiful here.
A diplomat replied: Long ago, a man died here, was buried here and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can’t take that risk!

 

[TheLoneRanger]

Who invented the round table??

Sir Cumference.

 

[Muteswan]

Jake went to the doctor and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get his manhood erect:
The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged and there was nothing he could do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he was willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephant's trunk into his 'old fella'.
Jake thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.
A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment.
As a result Jake planned a romantic evening with his wife Mary and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful.
To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his knob sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers.
Mary was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said. "That was incredible. Can you do that again?"
With tears in his eyes he replied. "I think I can, but I am not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse."

 

[TheLoneRanger]

DAY 284 Without Sex ...

I went jogging in flip flops just to remember the sound.

 

[Muteswan]

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me, again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time,
"like sitting around in the Garden bar and drinking Peroni isn't a good thing."
She is "only thinking of me," she said, and suggested, I go down to the old folks Centre and hang out with the fellas. I sent her an e-mail telling her I had and that I had joined the Senior Parachute Club. She replied, "Are you nuts? You're 72 years-old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes? I told her that I even had a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her. Immediately, she telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club." "Oh man, am I in trouble," I said, "I signed up for five jumps a week!" The line went dead. Life as a Senior Citizen isn't getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun to wind the kids up

 

[Muteswan]

What’s the difference between a genealogist and a gynaecologist?

One looks up the family tree, and the other looks up the family bush.

 

[Muteswan]

Why did the one-handed man cross the road?

To get to the second hand shop.

 

[TheLoneRanger]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by St Peter at the entrance to the Pearly Gates.

St Peter said, "To enter through these gates you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven"

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on and said, "It represents a candle"

"Very well you may pass through the pearly gates" said St Peter.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells"

St Peter said, "You may also pass through the pearly gates"

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize" ??

The man replied, "These are Carols" ...!!


MERRY CHRISTMAS

 

[Muteswan]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by St Peter at the entrance to the Pearly Gates.

St Peter said, "To enter through these gates you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven"

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on and said, "It represents a candle"

"Very well you may pass through the pearly gates" said St Peter.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells"

St Peter said, "You may also pass through the pearly gates"

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize" ??

The man replied, "These are Carols" ...!!


MERRY CHRISTMAS

. Merry Christmas to you too.

 

[Muteswan]

Good King Wenceslas phoned Domino's for a pizza. The salesgirl asked him:- 'Do you want your usual? Deep pan, crisp and even?'

 

[Muteswan]

What do you call people who are frightened of Santa? : Claustraphobic.