Joke Thread

[Swanjaxs]

Massive pile up in Tycoch Road tonight!!

If her dog craps again on the pavement and she doesn't pick up I'm reporting her to the neighborhood watch!!!

Sorry, not my best gag

 

[Muteswan]

Two guys grow-up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf.
At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf, and head for lunch.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why Hooters?"
"They have those servers with big boobs, tight shorts, and gorgeous legs."
"You're on."
At age 42, they meet and play golf again. "Where you wanna go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
“Again? Why?"
"They have a cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games."
"OK."
At age 52 they meet and play again.
"So where you wanna go for lunch?"
"Hooters.”
"Why?”
"The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking."
"OK."
At age 62 they meet again.
After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy."
"Good choice"
At age 72 they meet again.
Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
“They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts."
"Great choice."
At age 82 they meet and play again.
"Where should we go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Because we've never been there before."
"Okay, let’s give it a try."

 

[Muteswan]

 

[TheLoneRanger]

The wife asked me, "What are you doing on the computer" ??

l told her, "I'm looking for cheap flights"

"Oh I love you" she replied, and then she got all excited.

She quickly got undressed, and then we had the most amazing sex ever.

Which is very odd, because she's never shown an interest in darts before ...!!

 

[Swanjaxs]

We got minted lamb today

 

[Muteswan]

So I did a blood test on a garden frog to extract its DNA and confirm its identity.

I discovered the frog was 70% British, 20% French, 7% Italian, 2% Dutch and a tad Pole.

 

[Muteswan]

I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling jokes.
I turned to a local tribesman and said "That lizards really funny."
The tribesman replied, "That's not a lizard. He's a stand up chameleon."

 

[Muteswan]

 

[TheLoneRanger]

A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding anniversary.

When the wife says,

”Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession. Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years”

The husband ponders for a moment, and then looks into his wife's eyes and says.

“My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years. I cannot hold your past against you - maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit ???

She replied, “I don't think you understand, my name was Brian and I played rugby for Wales.!!

 

[Muteswan]

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for a day. But if you teach a man to fish, he will bore you to death with endless fishing stories and photos of himself on Facebook holding fish.

 

[Muteswan]

 

[Muteswan]

Little known fact.
Richard Gere’s dad,Gottler, was a famous Swedish ventriloquist..

 

[Muteswan]

Ticked these off my spotted today list

 

[Muteswan]

Senior Sex
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having
sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.

 

[Darran]

Senior Sex
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having
sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.

Superb.

Not autobiographical though is it?