Joke Thread

[Pegojack]

A man goes into a restaurant in Spain and asks what the daily lunch special is.
"Fresh octopus" says the waiter.
Customer: "Excellent, I like octopus, I'll have that".
Waiter: "OK, but it'll take four hours".
Customer: "Four hours! It doesn't take four hours to cook an octopus".
Waiter: " Yes, but he keeps reaching out of the pan and turning the gas off'.

 

[Muteswan]

I met some chess enthusiasts in a hotel lobby recently. They kept bragging about how good they were at chess.

There's nothing worse than chess nuts boasting in an open foyer...

 

[K23]

I met some chess enthusiasts in a hotel lobby recently. They kept bragging about how good they were at chess.

There's nothing worse than chess nuts boasting in an open foyer...

Dear me. That's awful

 

[TheLoneRanger]

"Driving Home For Christmas??"

"Chris Rea Only Got Halfway" ! !

 

[CurtessECarr]

https://twitter.com/TheNutHouse_/status/804444675528687618/photo/1

 

[Muteswan]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.
"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

 

[TheLoneRanger]

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, ”My family went to my grandad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating”

The teacher said, ”That was good Molly, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate' not fascinating"

Sally raised her hand. She said, ”My family went to see the circus and I was 'fascinated"

The teacher said, ”Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate”

Little Johnny raised his hand.

The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, ”My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight”

The teacher sat down and cried ...!!

 

[Cooperman]

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, ”My family went to my grandad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating”

The teacher said, ”That was good Molly, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate' not fascinating"

Sally raised her hand. She said, ”My family went to see the circus and I was 'fascinated"

The teacher said, ”Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate”

Little Johnny raised his hand.

The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, ”My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight”

The teacher sat down and cried ...!!

The teacher asked the class to use the word ‘contagious’ in a sentence.

Teacher's pet gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious." “Well done, Roland," says the teacher, "can anyone else try?" Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious." "Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?" Little Barry jumps up and says in a broad Scouse accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my Dad says it will take the contagious."

 

[Swanjaxs]

Just bought a Humpty Dumpty toy from Aldi, it's brilliant, it comes with Aldi Kings horses and Aldi Kings men...

 

[Muteswan]

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes", said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name?"
"Moses," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Moses?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus."

 

[K23]

Just bought a Humpty Dumpty toy from Aldi, it's brilliant, it comes with Aldi Kings horses and Aldi Kings men...

Thanks for that, I'll tell that one to my wife as it might be one of the few I won't have to explain to her. Tbh, I'm not 100% confident though.

 

[Swanjaxs]

Q: What gets easier to pick up the heavier it gets?

A: A woman...

 

[sainthelens]

My last girlfriend called me a paedophile.
I said....that's a big word for a 5 year old!!

 

[TheLoneRanger]

"HOLD ON JACK - THE COUNCIL ARE COMING!!"

 

[Swanjaxs]

Massive pile up in Tycoch Road tonight!!

If her dog craps again on the pavement and she doesn't pick up I'm reporting her to the neighborhood watch!!!