Joke Thread

[Swanjaxs]

Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pìss

The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.

The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!"

"That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her ass cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"

 

[Muteswan]

Things you can get away with saying only at Christmas.

1. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

2. Smother the butter all over the breasts!

3. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!

4. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

5. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.

6. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

7. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!

8. You still have a little bit on your chin.

9. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

10. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning

 

[Muteswan]

What do you call a one legged hippo?







A hoppo.

 

[TheLoneRanger]

Since it's started snowing, all my wife has done is look through the window.

If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in ...!!

 

[TheLoneRanger]

"IT'S CHRISTMAS TIME" ...!!

 

[Darran]

A man walks into a restaurant and orders squid. "Certainly sir," says Jervaise, the waiter. "Would you like to choose your squid from the tank over there?" "I'll have that little green one with the moustache," says the customer. "Oh no!" replies Jervaise. "But he's my favourite! He's so small and cute and friendly. Surely you'd prefer one of the bigger, meatier ones?"
"No," says the customer. "It's got to be that one". So Jervaise gets the little green squid out and puts him on the chopping block, raises his knife and ... the little squid looks up and smiles, twitching his bushy moustache into a big friendly grin!
"It's no good' says Jervaise. "I can't do it. I'll have to ask Hans who does the washing up. He's a big, tough brute - he'll be able to do the evil deed?' So out comes Hans, while Jervaise disappears off in tears. Hans picks up the knife, raises it to chop the little squid's head off and ... once again the little friendly squid looks up and smiles, wiggling his little legs and twitching his little moustache. So Hans, too, finds it impossible to kill him.

The moral?


Hans that does dishes is as soft as Jervaise with mild green hairy-lip squid.

 

[Muteswan]

A man walks into a restaurant and orders squid. "Certainly sir," says Jervaise, the waiter. "Would you like to choose your squid from the tank over there?" "I'll have that little green one with the moustache," says the customer. "Oh no!" replies Jervaise. "But he's my favourite! He's so small and cute and friendly. Surely you'd prefer one of the bigger, meatier ones?"
"No," says the customer. "It's got to be that one". So Jervaise gets the little green squid out and puts him on the chopping block, raises his knife and ... the little squid looks up and smiles, twitching his bushy moustache into a big friendly grin!
"It's no good' says Jervaise. "I can't do it. I'll have to ask Hans who does the washing up. He's a big, tough brute - he'll be able to do the evil deed?' So out comes Hans, while Jervaise disappears off in tears. Hans picks up the knife, raises it to chop the little squid's head off and ... once again the little friendly squid looks up and smiles, wiggling his little legs and twitching his little moustache. So Hans, too, finds it impossible to kill him.

The moral?


Hans that does dishes is as soft as Jervaise with mild green hairy-lip squid.

 

[Muteswan]

You have to be of a certain age for this one.

 

[Muteswan]

"IT'S CHRISTMAS TIME" ...!!



Screenshot_20231210-082215_kindlephoto-48424338.png

 

[Pegojack]

I'm only just getting that eight days later.....

 

[TheLoneRanger]

"THESE ARE THE TABLETS THE DOCTOR PRESCRIBED FOR MY OCD" ...!!

 

[Darran]

I'm only just getting that eight days later.....

Ffs Mike mun you went to Glan Afan. :lol:

https://youtu.be/LI5BqU4RxQ8?si=Yf-qebzU-t4mljNE

 

[TheLoneRanger]

"ESKIMO RESTAURANT"

Last night I decided to go for a meal at an Eskimo restaurant.

I sat down and asked the waiter for a menu.

The waiter said, "I'm very sorry but we don't have a lot of options. So I'll just call them out to you"

"We have whale meat steaks. we have whale meat curry ... We have whale meat stir fry, and of course we have the Vera Lynn.

I asked, "What's the Vera Lynn??"

He replied, "Whale Meat Again" ...!!

 

[Muteswan]

I’ve laughed every time I I’ve read it.

 

[Swanjaxs]

Whats the most dangerous insect in the world?...


Hepatitis Bee