"Going Forward" and other wank "Businessisms"

[BrynCartwright]

Every time I see the current, ubiquitous Dove Mens ad on telly, where the rugby coach knob says his team know what they need to do "going forward" after he uses Dove to wash his balls, I just want to rip his head off for using such a banal piece of complete business wank speech...

What other business toss gets everyone's goats up?

 

[PSumbler]

Let me circle back around on this for you later after I have brainstormed it with some strong collaboration in the office

 

[Cooperman]

Let me circle back around on this for you later after I have brainstormed it with some strong collaboration in the office

You picked some low hanging fruit there.

 

[monmouth]

I don’t know about business speak but ‘reaching out’ does my nut in. Ask me, or communicate with me, don’t reach out to me you stupid turd.

 

[Niigata Jack]

I don’t know about business speak but ‘reaching out’ does my nut in. Ask me, or communicate with me, don’t reach out to me you stupid turd.

People in Cafes and such saying "can I get" aye you can get fuked

People greeting each other with "Hey" WTF, Just wanted to "Touch base with you" talk fuking proper you fuking goons!

 

[sainthelens]

You should have checked with me first. Then the next appraisal says use your initiative more.

 

[Smurph]

You're on mute

 

[PSumbler]

You picked some low hanging fruit there.

Want to take it offline? I was on blue sky thinking

 

[Pegojack]

I can't stand feckers (usually on tv quiz shows) who answer questions about themselves with 'so'.

"What do you do in your spare time, Dave?"

"So, I like to smear marmalade over my balls and w*nk over pictures of Miriam Margoles"

 

[Muteswan]

You're on mute

Thank you

 

[Pegojack]

This isn't a businessism, just a business memory, but it still makes me spit out my tea laughing when I think about it.

I was on my first job as a graduate trainee with refractories company Steetley in Nottinghamshire, in a sales meeting where we were brainstorming ideas to increase sales. The meeting was being led by our fearsome but not as clever as he thought MD, who reminded me strongly of Freddie Trueman, both physically and with Yorkshire accent and pipe clenched between teeth.

He looked at the blank faces around the table and said "Come on, lads, any ideas? I think we ought to be looking at countries where we've never had any sales. What do we know about industries in these countries? What about the Middle East? What about Pseudo Arabia?"

You could have heard a pin drop as six or seven blokes desperately choked back the urge to burst out laughing, and find themselves on the dole. A bit like that scene in "the Life of Brian" - Biggus Dickus.

 

[Professor]

People in Cafes and such saying "can I get" aye you can get fuked

People greeting each other with "Hey" WTF, Just wanted to "Touch base with you" talk fuking proper you fuking goons!

Quite right. Also grammatically poor. It should be "May I get

 

[Robbie]

Micro Management , thinking outside the box , approaching the issue from a new direction .

Just some of the nonsense I have had to listen to in the last few years .

Now there is a new challenge for me to take on , modern tinternet jargon , as spoken by the youngster today , btw .

 

[sainthelens]

I can't stand feckers (usually on tv quiz shows) who answer questions about themselves with 'so'.

"What do you do in your spare time, Dave?"

"So, I like to smear marmalade over my balls and w*nk over pictures of Miriam Margoles"

Thought that was just me.

 

[FearOfAJackPlanet]

People referring to others, or, even worse, themselves, as 'thought leaders'. " I am a thought leader in the education sector...". Get the f*ck outta here with that sh*t.