Joke Thread

[Muteswan]

It takes me 10 minutes to walk to the pub.
It takes me an hour to walk back.
The difference is staggering.

 

[Muteswan]

What’s the difference between a peeping Tom and a pickpocket?
One snatches watches and the other...

 

[Muteswan]

Wait for it ....

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.

One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract.

Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"

"No, I'm sorry, "replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

 

[Muteswan]

Mick walks into Paddy’s barn and sees him dancing in front of his tractor. Mick says”Paddy what are you doing?”
Paddy says “Well me and the missus haven’t been getting on in the bedroom lately and the therapist recommended that I do something sexy to a tractor.”

 

[Muteswan]

Did you hear about the Cannibal who passed his brother in the woods?

 

[Muteswan]

My wife shouted downstairs to me and asked, “Do you ever get shooting pains across your body, like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re sticking pins into it?”
I replied “No”
She yelled back “How about now?”

 

[sainthelens]

I don't carry a donor card anymore. Enough women have rejected my organ whilst I'm alive!

 

[Muteswan]

I drew a graph of my past relationships, it had an ex-axis and a why-axis.

 

[Muteswan]

I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost.
I suspected it the moment she walked through the door.

 

[DJack]

I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost.
I suspected it the moment she walked through the door.

It's a good job that she didn't put the willies up you.

 

[Muteswan]

I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost.
I suspected it the moment she walked through the door.

It's a good job that she didn't put the willies up you.

That’s a completely different story.

 

[Muteswan]

“Yoda, are you sure we’re heading in the right direction?”

“Off course we are”.

 

[Muteswan]

It was a sad and disappointing day when I found out that my Universal Remote Control, did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.

 

[DJack]

It was a sad and disappointing day when I found out that my Universal Remote Control, did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.

Yep, Comcast disabled wireless...

 

[Muteswan]

Me: “Will I be OK doc?”
Doc: “I doubt it, Mercury is in Uranus right now”
Me: “I don’t do that astrology stuff “
Doc: “Neither do I, my thermometer just broke”