Joke Thread

[Muteswan]

Trump dies from the virus. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell. "No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long." The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"

 

[Swanjaxs]

View attachment IMG-20210117-WA0009.jpg

 

[TheLoneRanger]

I was woke up at 4am this morning with a commotion outside my house.

Looked out the window and there were 3 guys in Cardiff City tops playing football with a cat!!!

Sick b@stards!!!!

I was just about to ring the RSPCA, when the cat scored

 

[Muteswan]

Frank Lampard on his sacking from Chelsea:-
Friends and family are everything,” said the former midfielder. “When I got home, John Terry was already there comforting Christine on the couch. Not sure how he heard the news so quickly, but they were both red-faced and breathless with emotion.”

 

[dickythorpe]

I didn't want to join fisting club but it has widened the circle of friends I have.

 

[TheLoneRanger]

Last night I decided to go for a meal at an Eskimo restaurant.

I sat down and asked the waiter for a menu.

The waiter said, "I'm very sorry but we don't have a lot of options, so I'll just call them out to you"

"We have whale meat steaks, we have whale meat curry, we have whale meat stir fry, and of course we have the Vera Lynn.

I asked, "What's the Vera Lynn??"

He replied, "Whale Meat Again" ...!!

 

[TheLoneRanger]

Steve Cooper, Mikel Arteta, Jurgen Klopp and Steve Bruce were in a pub. Steve Cooper bought them all a drink. Once they had finished, Arteta got a round in. Then Klopp put his hand in his pocket, and then Steve Bruce got the beers in.

Once they'd all consumed 4 beers, Cooper went to the bar, bought a drink for himself only, and sat at the table. They all looked at him before Arteta said, "Excuse me Steve. What about us?"

Cooper looked at them all and said, "Sorry lads. This is the fifth round and none of you are in it."

 

[Muteswan]

As I was getting into bed she said “you’re drunk”
I said “how do you know?”
She said “you live next door”

 

[Muteswan]

A woman in her fifties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The KEY," where a small key is placed
on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect
of a brand new face lift.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Key."
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key, and the effects were wonderful -- the
woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon
with two problems.
"All these years, everything has been working just fine.
I've had to turn the key and I've always loved the results.
But now I've developed two annoying problems:
First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your tits."
She said, "No point asking about the beard then..........."

 

[Muteswan]

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.

'I vish to buy sex wit you.'

'OK,' says the girl, 'I charge 20 an hour.'

'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'

'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller. 'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.' The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees. 'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'

She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.

'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'

She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.) She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.

The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say 'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position ?'

'Ah,' says the German 'dat is de Four-sprung Duck technique'

 

[Muteswan]

THE PERFECT HUSBAND

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to
talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: “Hello”

WOMAN: “Hi Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

MAN: “Yes.”

WOMAN: “I’m at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s
only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?”

MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”

WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models.
I saw one I really liked.”

MAN: “How much?”

WOMAN: “$90,000.” ;

MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing… I was just talking to Janie and
found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re
asking $980,000 for it.”

MAN: “Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They’ll probably
take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it’s what you
really want.”

WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!”

MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, “Anyone know who’s phone this is?....

 

[Muteswan]

I heard the man who invented anagrams passed away this week.
May he erect a penis.

 

[TheLoneRanger]

I was sitting at the bar enjoying a drink by myself, when next thing the door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on.

5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, and an hourglass figure.

It was barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.
After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sat down.

She said, 'Hi', and I said 'Hi' in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.
'So, does that make you feel good ?' she asked. .. 'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.'

'Well, I have,' I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 17, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the Welsh National School's Finals in front of a crowd of about 30000 at The National Stadium, and I felt really good.'
I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go. But she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.

'How do you feel now,' she purred. 'OK,' I replied. Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!'

Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it.
I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, handed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'til full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal to win the match.”

"Ahhh...." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton, and she was wet!

She whispered, 'Well tell me this, Mr Rugby Man: Have you ever felt such a perfect cvnt?'

'I certainly have,' I answered,

'I missed the fvcking conversion.'

 

[J_B]

What do vegetarian worms eat?







Linda McCartney.

 

[Muteswan]

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink, when a very large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down:

Then he says menacingly. "Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?"
I burst into tears.

"Come on, man." The biker says. "I didn't think you'd CRY, I can`t stand to see a man crying."

I said to him. "This is the worst day of my life, I'm a complete failure. I was late for a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me. So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a poison capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve, then you show up and drink the whole thing!
But enough about me, how's your day going!"