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Joke Thread
- Thread starter Muteswan
- Start date
- Replies: Replies 341
- Views: Views 78,359
Muteswan
Roger Freestone
- Joined
- Jun 27, 2020
- Messages
- 7,734
- Reaction score
- 392
For 2 years a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage,
He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back.
He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 7 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey!' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage,
He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back.
He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 7 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey!' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.
Muteswan
Roger Freestone
- Joined
- Jun 27, 2020
- Messages
- 7,734
- Reaction score
- 392
Three sisters were all getting married within a short time period.
Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sex.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.
The card said nothing but: "Nescafe".
Puzzled at first Mum went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.
It said: "Great from beginning to end".
Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from the Maldives a week after the wedding and the card read: "Rothmans".
Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes to read from the pack: "Super strong King Size".
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.. the third girl departed for her honeymoon in New Zealand.
Mum waited for a week,
Nothing.
Another week went by and still nothing.
A month passed; still nothing.
A card finally arrived from Auckland on which was written with shaky hand, "Air New Zealand ".
Mum took out her latest travel magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst and finally found the ad for Air NZ.
'Ten times a day, seven days a week, in all directions.'
MUM FAINTED!!!
Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sex.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.
The card said nothing but: "Nescafe".
Puzzled at first Mum went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.
It said: "Great from beginning to end".
Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from the Maldives a week after the wedding and the card read: "Rothmans".
Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes to read from the pack: "Super strong King Size".
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.. the third girl departed for her honeymoon in New Zealand.
Mum waited for a week,
Nothing.
Another week went by and still nothing.
A month passed; still nothing.
A card finally arrived from Auckland on which was written with shaky hand, "Air New Zealand ".
Mum took out her latest travel magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst and finally found the ad for Air NZ.
'Ten times a day, seven days a week, in all directions.'
MUM FAINTED!!!
Swanjaxs
Roger Freestone
Muteswan said:
Made me smile.
Doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?”
“Yes, of course.” “Great! I never could before!”
TheLoneRanger
Ivor Allchurch
Two women walking home drunk were busting for the toilet.
So they went into a graveyard.
They had no toilet paper so one woman used her knickers and threw them away. The other used a ribbon from a wreath.
The next day their husbands were talking, "We'd better keep an eye on our wives when they go out" one said, "Mine came home without her knickers"
"You think that's bad" said the other husband, "Mine had a card stuck to her arse saying"
"From all the lads at the fire station - We'll never forget you" ...!!
So they went into a graveyard.
They had no toilet paper so one woman used her knickers and threw them away. The other used a ribbon from a wreath.
The next day their husbands were talking, "We'd better keep an eye on our wives when they go out" one said, "Mine came home without her knickers"
"You think that's bad" said the other husband, "Mine had a card stuck to her arse saying"
"From all the lads at the fire station - We'll never forget you" ...!!
TheLoneRanger
Ivor Allchurch
NEWSFLASH
BOOM INDUSTRIAL ACTION
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike next Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this December from 72 to only 54. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth"
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, an Al Qaeda chief executive explained,
"We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are obviously not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up"
Spokespersons for the union in Newcastle, Middlesbrough, Essex, Glasgow, Bournemouth, and Birkenhead stated that they would be unaffected, as there are no virgins in these areas anyway.
BOOM INDUSTRIAL ACTION
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike next Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this December from 72 to only 54. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth"
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, an Al Qaeda chief executive explained,
"We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are obviously not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up"
Spokespersons for the union in Newcastle, Middlesbrough, Essex, Glasgow, Bournemouth, and Birkenhead stated that they would be unaffected, as there are no virgins in these areas anyway.
jacabertawe
Alan Waddle
- Joined
- Jun 27, 2020
- Messages
- 739
- Reaction score
- 28
https://nation.cymru/culture/the-collection-of-tommy-coopers-funniest-jokes-that-will-make-you-laugh/
Squarebear
Tommy Hutchison
- Joined
- Jul 9, 2020
- Messages
- 1,496
- Reaction score
- 16
My wife wants me to stimulate her clitoris with Greek cheese.
I wasn't sure whether to go ahead, but it seems it's a Feta Come Plea.
I wasn't sure whether to go ahead, but it seems it's a Feta Come Plea.
K23
Ivor Allchurch
A man and a woman passing in a supermarket aisle.
Woman: Oh, hello
Man: Hello, do you know me?
Woman: I think you're the father of one of my kids!
Man: Oh, were you the stripper at the stag do that I made love to on the pool table while all my mates were watching and taking it in turns to whack me on the arse with sticks of celery?
Woman: Errrr.......No, I'm your son's teacher
Woman: Oh, hello
Man: Hello, do you know me?
Woman: I think you're the father of one of my kids!
Man: Oh, were you the stripper at the stag do that I made love to on the pool table while all my mates were watching and taking it in turns to whack me on the arse with sticks of celery?
Woman: Errrr.......No, I'm your son's teacher
Swanjaxs
Roger Freestone
You know when your putting on weight when your wife wants to cum over your tits (.)(.)
sainthelens
Roger Freestone
- Joined
- Jun 28, 2020
- Messages
- 5,850
- Reaction score
- 535
Remember telling my mate I once went through a phase I was sleeping with a set of twins.
How do I know who was who he asked.
Well..I said, lucy has pink fingernails...and Alex has a c0ck !!
How do I know who was who he asked.
Well..I said, lucy has pink fingernails...and Alex has a c0ck !!
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