Joke Thread

[The.Taz]

SKY SPORTS: When adding crowd effects to matches played behind closed doors, don't forget to add 'Wanker', 'Twat', and 'Fucking Blind Bastard' to make it more realistic.

 

[The.Taz]

The Belgian government has issued a health warning for any of it’s citizens planning to travel to Leicester.

I assume this is a mental health warning

 

[Muteswan]

We all know Albert Einstein was a genius...

...but his brother Frank was a monster.

 

[J_B]

When I was a young teacher I found that marking was a major problem.

Then I discovered that if you wrap the kids up in a blanket before you beat them...

 

[Muteswan]

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs, because they take everything literally.

 

[The.Taz]

The Queen was very upset at Princess Diana's funeral.

But he still played the piano well.

 

[The.Taz]

Burglars broke into my house last night and said they were searching for money.

So I laughed like fuck and searched with them.

 

[Muteswan]

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day.
A lady asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

 

[Muteswan]

 

[Muteswan]

I bought a dog from a blacksmith.
Ten minutes after I got it home it made a bolt for the door. :?

 

[Muteswan]

When my kleptomania gets bad, I take something for it.

 

[The.Taz]

The plinth of the Colston statue should remain empty as a tribute to all the BLM fathers.

 

[Muteswan]

My doctor told me I’ve got a bacon addiction.
Luckily he also thinks I can be cured.

 

[Swanjaxs]

My doctor told me I’ve got a bacon addiction.
Luckily he also thinks I can be cured.

Got attacked by a bacon tree the other day.
Turned out to be a hambush

 

[The.Taz]

Beatrice's wedding was a breath of fresh air for Prince Andrew.

For once, it wasn't someone else's daughter giving him away.