Joke Thread

[Muteswan]

Two girls talking,
I understand how you get Bob from Robert, and Bill from William, but how do you get Dick from Richard?

Ask him nicely!

 

[TheLoneRanger]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says, "Hello"

He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he asks, "Do you know me" ...??

To which she replies , "I think you’re the father of one of my kids"

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "Oh my God. Are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my arse with wet celery" ...??

She looks deeply into his eyes and calmly says, "No. I’m your son’s teacher"...!!

 

[Muteswan]

When Donald Trump was asked if he’d handled the COVID situation correctly, he replied

I’m positive.

 

[BanosSwan]

Liverpool have been reported to the police for breaking Covid-19 regulations and letting seven in.

 

[Muteswan]

I just released my own fragrance.
No one in the car seems to like it.

 

[Muteswan]

I just quit my job at the Helium factory.

I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.

 

[TheLoneRanger]

View attachment Screenshot_20201008-105115~2.jpg

 

[Muteswan]

There was once a king who was only twelve inches tall.

He was a terrible king, but he made a great ruler.

Something’s afoot here

 

[Muteswan]

My wife complained to me that I never buy her flowers.

I replied that I didn’t know that she sold them.

 

[TheLoneRanger]

Donald Trump is walking out of the White House and heading for his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun at him. A Secret Service agent, new to the job, shouts "Mickey Mouse"

This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.

Later the Secret Service agent's supervisor takes him aside and asks him, "What the fvck made you shout - Mickey Mouse??"

Blushing, the agent replies, "I got nervous. I meant to shout, Donald, duck!!"

 

[DJack]

That's awful ... but I loved it.

 

[Muteswan]

I finally decided to end my obsession with Elvis Presley.

It’s now or never.

 

[Muteswan]

I know someone who wrote a book about basements.

It made the Best Cellars List.

 

[Muteswan]

FOR SALE.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica
45 volumes
Excellent condition
No longer needed
Got married last month
Wife knows EVERYTHING.

 

[John102]

Finally found a way to stop bacon curling in the frying pan. I took their little brushes away.