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Joke Thread
- Thread starter Muteswan
- Start date
- Replies: Replies 341
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Best_loser
Michu
- Joined
- Jun 27, 2020
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https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Oseqh7SMIvo
TheLoneRanger
Ivor Allchurch
My wife absolutely loves Movember.
People think she's doing it for charity ...!!
People think she's doing it for charity ...!!
TheLoneRanger
Ivor Allchurch
TheLoneRanger
Ivor Allchurch
Whats 12 inches long and hangs in front of an arsehole ??
Boris Johnson's tie!!
Boris Johnson's tie!!
Muteswan
Roger Freestone
- Joined
- Jun 27, 2020
- Messages
- 7,734
- Reaction score
- 392
A man was working in the garden and his wife was about to take a shower.
He realized that he couldn't find the rake.. and yelled up to his wife,
"Where is the rake?"
She couldn't hear and she shouted back, "What?"
He pointed to his eye, and then pointed to his knee and made a raking motion.
his wife wasn't sure and said "What?"
He repeated the gestures. "Eye - Kneed - The Rake"
His wife replied that she understands and signals back.
She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her backside, and finally to her crotch.
Well, there is no way in hell IHe could even come close to that one.
Exasperated, He went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?"
She replies:
"Eye - Left Tit - Behind - The Bush" !!!
He realized that he couldn't find the rake.. and yelled up to his wife,
"Where is the rake?"
She couldn't hear and she shouted back, "What?"
He pointed to his eye, and then pointed to his knee and made a raking motion.
his wife wasn't sure and said "What?"
He repeated the gestures. "Eye - Kneed - The Rake"
His wife replied that she understands and signals back.
She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her backside, and finally to her crotch.
Well, there is no way in hell IHe could even come close to that one.
Exasperated, He went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?"
She replies:
"Eye - Left Tit - Behind - The Bush" !!!
Jack2jack
Alan Curtis
- Joined
- Jun 27, 2020
- Messages
- 3,864
- Reaction score
- 46
Me and the missus went out the other night.
Whilst getting ready, she said to me. Do you know this is the same thing I wore when we first went out together 25 years ago and it still fits. I turned to her and said....but its a scarf.
Whilst getting ready, she said to me. Do you know this is the same thing I wore when we first went out together 25 years ago and it still fits. I turned to her and said....but its a scarf.
Muteswan
Roger Freestone
- Joined
- Jun 27, 2020
- Messages
- 7,734
- Reaction score
- 392
I was at my local Tesco yesterday buying a large bag of Pedigree Chum dog food for my Daughters Springer Spaniel and i was at the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog......
What did she think, I had an elephant...? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Pedigree Chum Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.....
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Pedigree Chum and simply eat one or two bits every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.....
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit us both......
I thought the guy behind her was going to piss himself he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Tesco’s.....
Be very careful......
Be very careful what you ask older people!! They have all the time in the world to think up daft answers......
What did she think, I had an elephant...? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Pedigree Chum Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.....
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Pedigree Chum and simply eat one or two bits every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.....
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit us both......
I thought the guy behind her was going to piss himself he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Tesco’s.....
Be very careful......
Be very careful what you ask older people!! They have all the time in the world to think up daft answers......
Swanjaxs
Roger Freestone
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
Longlostjack
Alan Curtis
Elon Musk has opened a restaurant on the moon. The food is good but there’s no atmosphere.
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