Joke Thread

[WxmJax]

You can now buy tickets for the Elvis tribute concert at Swansea Arena over the phone.

I pressed 1 for the money, 2 for the show.

 

[Muteswan]

A 32 year old pregnant woman started to go into labour, so her husband drove her to hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father, without the need for any physical connection. He asked if they were interested, both said they were very much in favour of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer all the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none whatsoever. She and her husband were ecstatic....
After a couple of days they were allowed back home, as they arrived, the postman was dead on their doorstep...

 

[Longlostjack]

A man stands outside the Kremlin and shouts "The entire world is suffering because of one man!"
He is immediately arrested and questioned at the police station and was asked who he was referring to. „Zelensky“ he replied.
He was released but as he was about to walk through the door he turned and asked the policemen „Who did you think I meant?“

 

[TheLoneRanger]

Ditch your Rolex.

This is the new way to show off your wealth.


View attachment Screenshot_20220913-082847.png

 

[tim_healings]

What do you call a man with no shin’s………

Tony

 

[Muteswan]

 

[TheLoneRanger]

My wife has asked me to sell things from around the house, that we don't use anymore - to raise funds for Christmas.

I found this karaoke mic hidden under the bed. I've never seen her use it, and she's a terrible singer anyway.

I don't know what its worth, but happy to consider offers.




View attachment Screenshot_20221213-133255~2.png

 

[BrynCartwright]

£1.99 for a roll of kitchen towel in Tesco today..!

What a rip off!

 

[Cooperman]

Paddy and Murphy are in the airport ready for their holidays.

Paddy says to Murphy “I wish I’d bought the television with us”

“Why, are you bored?” says Murph in response.

“No Murph, I left the fućking passports on top of it”.

 

[sainthelens]

Just before be died, Jimmy Saville was receiving hate mail.
One letter was only the start of it.

 

[WxmJax]

I was walking down Mumbles with Bonnie Tyler earlier when we came across some people giving out various tubs of sweets left over from Xmas which I thought was a nice idea, especially as we were both starving. I helped myself to some quality street and then some celebrations but Bonnie politely refused, even the purple ones.
"I thought you were hungry, Bonnie?"
"I am" she replied, "but I'm holding out for a hero".

 

[Muteswan]

So an elderly Italian man living alone in New Jersey wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,

 

[TheLoneRanger]

A Primary Teacher in Cardiff explains to her class that she is a Cardiff City fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Cardiff fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'

'Because I'm not a Cardiff fan,' she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Cardiff fan, then who are you a fan of ?'

'I am a Swansea City fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why are you a Swansea City fan?'

'Because my mum is a Swansea City fan, and my dad is a Swansea City fan, so I'm a Swansea City fan too !'

'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Swansea City fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'

'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Cardiff City fan.'

 

[Muteswan]

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus"
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.
Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.
Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar.
His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.
He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?”

 

[CygnusX1]

Russell Martin