best joke yet.
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Joke Thread
- Thread starter Muteswan
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- Replies: Replies 341
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sainthelens
Roger Freestone
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Tried blindfolded archery the weekend....anyone tried it ?
Dont know what yer missing.
Dont know what yer missing.
sainthelens
Roger Freestone
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Mate o mine recently entered a dog at crufts.
Got 6 months for it.
Got 6 months for it.
Darran
Roger Freestone
:lol:
Muteswan
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A bit of bad news guys , not been feeling my best over the last few days I just wanted to let everyone know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I have only gone and bloody poisoned myself, thanks to my poor cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Darran
Roger Freestone
Muteswan said:A bit of bad news guys , not been feeling my best over the last few days I just wanted to let everyone know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I have only gone and bloody poisoned myself, thanks to my poor cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Awful. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Muteswan
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Dear Mum & Dad,
I am very well, I hope you are too. Tell big brothers Sean, Paddy and Mick that the Army is better than working on the farm; tell them to get into the Army quick before the jobs are all gone.
I was a bit slow settling down at first because you don't get out of bed until 6am, but I got used to it and I like sleeping in now. All you do before breakfast is make your bed, shine your boots and clean your uniform.
No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack, nothing.
Men must shave, but it’s not too bad because there's hot water and a light to see what you’re doing.
For breakfast there’s cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no fillet steaks or sausages. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march', which is just like walking to the well in the meadow.
This will kill Sean and Paddy with laughter but I keep getting medals for shooting!! I don’t know why because the bull’s-eye is as big as a bloody bull's head and it doesn't move and it’s not firing back at you like the Murphy’s did when our bull got their cow in calf before the Ballina show. All you have to do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - piece of piss. You don't even load your own cartridges – they come in boxes and you don't have to steady yourself against the roll bar of the tractor when you reload.
Sometimes we wrestle with the city boys and I have to be very careful because they break easy - it's not like fighting with Sean, Paddy, Mick and all the other local fellas all at once like we do.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either; it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got. I've only been beaten once by this guy from Dublin - he's 6 foot 8 and 120 kilos so he’s a good bit bigger than me but I fought to the end.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets out how good it is.
Your loving daughter,
Siobhàn.
I am very well, I hope you are too. Tell big brothers Sean, Paddy and Mick that the Army is better than working on the farm; tell them to get into the Army quick before the jobs are all gone.
I was a bit slow settling down at first because you don't get out of bed until 6am, but I got used to it and I like sleeping in now. All you do before breakfast is make your bed, shine your boots and clean your uniform.
No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack, nothing.
Men must shave, but it’s not too bad because there's hot water and a light to see what you’re doing.
For breakfast there’s cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no fillet steaks or sausages. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march', which is just like walking to the well in the meadow.
This will kill Sean and Paddy with laughter but I keep getting medals for shooting!! I don’t know why because the bull’s-eye is as big as a bloody bull's head and it doesn't move and it’s not firing back at you like the Murphy’s did when our bull got their cow in calf before the Ballina show. All you have to do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - piece of piss. You don't even load your own cartridges – they come in boxes and you don't have to steady yourself against the roll bar of the tractor when you reload.
Sometimes we wrestle with the city boys and I have to be very careful because they break easy - it's not like fighting with Sean, Paddy, Mick and all the other local fellas all at once like we do.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either; it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got. I've only been beaten once by this guy from Dublin - he's 6 foot 8 and 120 kilos so he’s a good bit bigger than me but I fought to the end.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets out how good it is.
Your loving daughter,
Siobhàn.
TheLoneRanger
Ivor Allchurch
The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, ”My family went to my grandad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating”
The teacher said, ”That was good Molly, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate' - not fascinating"
Sally raised her hand. She said, ”My family went to see the circus and I was 'fascinated"
The teacher said, ”Well that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate”
Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word fascinate, so she called on him.
Johnny said, ”My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight”
The teacher sat down and cried ...!!
Molly put up her hand and said, ”My family went to my grandad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating”
The teacher said, ”That was good Molly, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate' - not fascinating"
Sally raised her hand. She said, ”My family went to see the circus and I was 'fascinated"
The teacher said, ”Well that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate”
Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word fascinate, so she called on him.
Johnny said, ”My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight”
The teacher sat down and cried ...!!
Swanjaxs
Roger Freestone
Man walks into a bar...
CygnusX1
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Ah, little Johnny jokes….
A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence.
Sally, the class genius, raises her hand and says, "Last year I got the mumps, and my mam said it was contagious."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Would anyone else like to try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My dad says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious." "Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"
Little Johnny raises his hand and stands to give his answer.
"Our next door neighbour told my dad he would paint his house in 2 days, but my dad said it would take the contagious”
A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence.
Sally, the class genius, raises her hand and says, "Last year I got the mumps, and my mam said it was contagious."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Would anyone else like to try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My dad says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious." "Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"
Little Johnny raises his hand and stands to give his answer.
"Our next door neighbour told my dad he would paint his house in 2 days, but my dad said it would take the contagious”
sainthelens
Roger Freestone
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Supermarket delivery driver gets lost in Bradford. Winds down the window and shouts to one of the locals " Tesco?"
The guy replied " England 101 for 4".
The guy replied " England 101 for 4".
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